After three weeks, my father’s stay in the hospital has sort of become routine for us. Everything has pretty much been put on hold so we can visit as often as possible—it’s a forty minute drive—and now that he’s doing so much better—being transferred, actually—we’re all breathing a relieved sigh.

Over the past month, time has been spent answering the question, “What can we do for you?” I’ve never really known a good answer; I always just shrug and mutter, “Nothing, we’re okay.” The thing is, I’ve been asking my mother the same thing over and over again as well, and have come to the conclusion that there are plenty of things you can do for a grieving relative or friend.

10. Comfort and Presence

Just lending an ear is often enough—without judgment, without even an interjection. It’s nice to know that you can lean on others for support, without anyone trying to be overbearing.

9. Understanding

I’ve missed a lot of work, my husband has missed a bit, and we’ve even pulled our daughter out of preschool a couple of times to be at the hospital. Luckily all of the people involved have been very understanding and gracious to allow us to do this.

8. Stillness

I know I’ve gotten on my mom’s nerves the way I putter and prattle, trying to tidy the hospital room and constantly asking, “What can I do?” But my nerves have been affected as well. Instead of leaping around, engaging in loudness, or any other nerve-wrecking activity, sometimes just sitting and being still is enough while you’re there.

7. Food

My mother has not been feeding herself well at all during this time, and we always bring something to put in her belly when we see her. I’ve been so grateful for the others who have done this as well—from friends and family who’ve bought her lunch or dinner to neighbors who’ve even made food for her at home. Will we say we don’t want, need it? Sure, but that’s with everything, right? The whole trying to be humble and independent thing. But it’s always a nice gesture that’s often also needed.

6. Hold the Personal Stories and Advice

Or don’t. But be sure you know your recipient wants or doesn’t want them first. Me, I don’t. I know my dad is a unique case and, though he may be similar to others in some ways, in others he is not. I only want to imagine the positives in my brain, and don’t want to picture speech impediments, canes, and a plethora of other possible outcomes that people have been openly sharing with me. I appreciate the gesture, but I’d really rather keep my mind open wide. And as far as advice, I feel like I’ve had a baby all over again; unless it’s solicited, it’s probably best to keep it to yourself.

5. Time

Family members and friends have given us rides, taken care of my parents’ dogs, and done lots of other helpful things for us during this time that we are so grateful for.

4. Monetary Assistance

If you have it and it’s needed, it’s always very much appreciated—even if it’s just for a tank of gas, or a hospital parking pass.

3. Pray

If you pray, pray. If you think positive thoughts, practice the Law of Attraction, whatever you do—do it for that person and his or her family. It’s appreciated beyond words, and many people believe it helps more than anything in the world.

2. The Little Things

I’ve learned to pay attention to small things my mother mentions, like the room being cold (needing a jacket or blanket) or a passing craving for some food item when we’re not even together that I can bring to her at a later time.

1.  Respect Family Wishes

Our friends and family have been awesome, and I know that if my mother makes a request—say, to not visit for a day to let my dad rest—they’ll all follow through and respect her wishes.