OK, I’m all about rights, freedom of expression, freedom to eat what you want when you want it, and all that jazz. But giving people who can prove they are at least 350 pounds free piles of meat called “Quadruple Bypass Burgers” seems like a combination suicide pact/ health care terrorism/ environmental destruction plot.

I always did love conspiracy theories.

Seriously though, how are we supposed to make headway with any kind of health care plan in this country when places like the Heart Attack Grill in Chandler, Arizona can literally serve heart attacks on a plate? (I wonder if they make you sign a waiver…) The CDC reports that heart disease and stroke are the leading cause of death in our country, accounting for more than a third of total deaths. The cost of these diseases to our country as of this year is more than $475 billion.

Why aren’t people going Sheila Broflovski all over this?

Shouldn’t people pushing for cigarette and alcohol taxes—which should be taxed, I wholly agree; anything that you pay for to kill you and potentially kill others should be taxed, as well as stamped with a little sticker that reads “You know you just paid for me to help bring you moments closer to death, right?”—also be pushing for fast food joints—and any eatery that carries items that are more than a few hundred calories a piece—to be more heavily taxed?

I’ve always hated the discrimination heavier people get. Overeating, as many people now know, is an emotional problem that usually relates to much deeper psychological issues; some people cut, some drink, some eat. It’s a coping mechanism, and while I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, I am saying that it’s a device that’s normally singled out more than the rest. And considering that over half the country is now considered overweight, it seems more and more ludicrous to make fun of people who have weight issues rather than poke fun at them (it’s kind of ludicrous to make fun of anyone, don’t you think?).

But rewarding obesity with free food is like rewarding lung cancer with free smokes. It’s one thing to embrace people of all shapes and sizes; it’s quite another to encourage people to retain an unhealthy habit that will likely lead to many health problems down the road—including premature death.

People should always be allowed to make their own choices, as long as they’re not hurting others; this is true. But as sisters and brothers of this country (I don’t mean to go all Woodstock on you; I’m just feeling a little earthy) don’t you think we should spend more time and energy caring for one another instead of helping one another induce self-harm?